5 DBT Skills for Interpersonal Conflict

Kat Schultz
1 hour ago
3 min read

Two people sit at a table having a difficult conversation

Conflict is a natural part of any relationship but it can be very painful - especially when we don't have the skills to get through it. Luckily, Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) has skills both for interpersonal interactions and for managing our reactions to them.

DBT is a synthesis of Cognitive Behavior Therapy and Zen Buddhism. It incorporates the foundation of CBT with mindfulness skills. It's used to treat emotion dysregulation and self-destructive behaviors, among other mental health struggles.

There are more than 5 DBT skills that may help with interpersonal conflict but here are 5 to try first:

DEAR MAN

DEAR MAN is an Interpersonal Effectiveness skill that offers a step-by-step method of asking for a need to be met or saying no. D stands for describe the situation, then Express how it makes you feel, Ask or say no, and then Reinforce the A with gratitude or another nicety. During the conversation, stay Mindful and Appear confident. Be prepared to Negotiate if need be. This skill helps by giving you a script for how to get an objective met. However, there are additional considerations regarding when is the best time to ask, for example. The Dime Game can help with those.

PLEASE

The PLEASE acronym is an Emotion Regulation skill that encourages you to take care of your body in order to build a stable emotional foundation. PL stands for manage any PhysicaL symptoms you have. For example, take a painkiller if you have a headache or cold medicine if you're congested. E stands for balance your Eating. Eat what feels good to your body and soul. A stands for Avoid non-prescribed substances as these can affect your mood. S stands for get balanced Sleep, the amount that feels good to you. And the second E stands for get balanced body movEment. Move your body in ways that feel good to you. These all build together to strengthen your emotional resilience so that when you have a difficult interpersonal situation, you are prepared.

GIVE

The GIVE acronym is an Interpersonal Effectiveness skill that is meant to be used when you want to deepen, preserve, or begin a relationship of any kind. It is a way of acting around others that helps to accomplish this. Be Gentle with the other person as best you can. Act Interested in what they are saying. Validate them, as appropriate. And finally, have an Easy manner, meaning be pleasant and easy going, if that fits the situation. These can all be done at the same time or individually rather than in steps like DEAR MAN.

FAST

The FAST acronym is an Interpersonal Effectiveness skill that helps maintain your self-respect in a situation. Many of us struggle with people pleasing or don't necessarily feel good with the way we acted once an interaction is over with. FAST helps with that. Like GIVE, the letters in the acronym can be done at once or individually, not in steps. F stands for be Fair. Make no unnecessary Apologies. Stick to your values as you go. And be Truthful with yourself and others.

STOP

STOP is another acronym, of course, but this time it's a Distress Tolerance skill. When things get heated in a conflict, STOP can help us take a moment before reacting. The first step is literally to Stop what you're doing and freeze yourself before you react. Then Take a step back either literally or emotionally from the situation, maybe take a breath. Observe what is happening within and around you. When you're ready, Proceed mindfully. Return to the situation and act in alliance with your goals and values.